I Hear You Page 4

  Suppose a woman and her husband are relaxing in their backyard after a long day. The woman, catching up on email, suddenly turns to her husband and says, “I just got the nicest email from my boss!” Her husband, without even looking up from his smartphone, says (in a pleasant, but obviously disconnected tone), “that’s nice, honey,” and continues reading. The wife, knowing her husband isn’t really paying attention, turns back to her computer and continues flipping through messages. How appreciated do you think she felt by her husband in that moment? You’ve likely had a similar experience, and it’s not hard to see how failing to validate positive emotions can be hard on a relationship.

  Now, consider how the situation could have played out had the husband recognized his wife’s request for connection and validated her excitement:

  “I just got the nicest email from my boss!” says the woman.

  “Really?” the husband replies, looking up from his phone.

  “Yeah, listen to this: ‘Jane, I just wanted to let you know that I continue to be impressed with how well you manage the wide variety of projects you’re in charge of. You are a key player on the team and I don’t know how we could have landed those accounts last week without you. Keep up the great work.’”

  “That’s fantastic!” the husband responds.

  “Seriously,” his wife replies, beaming. “I don’t think I’ve ever received a compliment from him before.”

  “That’s got to feel nice. You must be doing something right!”

  The couple chit-chats for a few seconds longer, then they each return to their respective devices. It amounts to a simple exchange, but the little things add up.

  Opportunities to validate positive experience are all around. If we’re not attentive, however, they’re easy to miss. Most people recognize opportunities to help a distressed friend or family member, but it often feels less important to focus the same amount of attention on another’s excitement or good fortune.

  I had a powerful reminder of this just the other day. I stopped by a fast-food restaurant on my way home from work, and as I waited for my dinner, I noticed a little boy and his dad sitting at a table across the way. The boy was working on a 3D puzzle that came with his kids’ meal and his dad was sitting across from him, staring into his smartphone. That scene alone was sad (I mentally pleaded with the dad to put his phone away), but when the little boy finished his puzzle, the situation became even more unfortunate.

  As the boy clicked the last piece into place, his eyes lit up. A huge grin spread across his face and, with great pride and excitement, he held it up for his dad to see. My heart sunk as I watched the dad respond with an unenthusiastic, “that’s cool!” without even looking up from his smartphone. My eyes darted back to the little boy. He looked at his dad for half a second longer, obviously hoping for some sort of acknowledgement or positive validation, then looked back down at his toy and continued playing.

  That was hard for me to watch—not only because that young father missed an opportunity to validate and connect with his son, but because I know I have been guilty of similar behavior. The little boy didn’t complain or even say anything, but his “bid” or request for connection was left unmet. Had the father put his phone down, taken a closer look at his boy’s puzzle, and said something like, “Wow, nice work! Those puzzles are hard!” he would have sent a very different message. And it would have taken only a few moments of his time.

  Validating positive experience is not only possible, it’s critical to developing healthy, satisfying relationships. Learning to identify and act on these opportunities can make a significant difference in your connection with others.

  Misconception #2: You Can’t Validate If You Don’t Agree

  When you validate someone, you’re essentially saying, “I get why you’re feeling the way you are.” It’s important to note that this is not the same as saying “you’re right” or “I agree.” You can validate any emotion in any situation as long as you understand the other person’s perspective. While it may not seem like it at first, most people’s reactions (even the seemingly irrational ones) make perfect sense once you truly understand where that person is coming from. You may need to think about their background, their fears, their hopes, the fact that they might not have all the details, etc., but more often than not, you’ll find that their response is actually quite reasonable given the situation.

  Years ago, a coworker came into my office and asked to talk. He sat down and began to express concern that another coworker, whom I had put in charge of a few rather menial tasks, was underqualified and might produce work inconsistent with our brand.

  I listened as this coworker expressed his concerns. After a moment or two, I tried to jump in and assure him that I had it taken care of. My reassurance appeared to go in one ear and out the other, though, and he then expressed concern about my own creative experience and ability.

  A feeling of wounded pride began to well up inside me as I fought to keep my cool and avoid getting defensive. Despite my efforts, it wasn’t long before I began listing for him my education and experience in a futile attempt to convince him that I did, in fact, know what I was doing.

  After a couple attempts to make him feel better in this way (while also defending my ego), I realized it wasn’t working. He continued to restate his original points over and over and continued to raise new concerns. We were talking in circles, and he clearly wasn’t hearing me.

  Then, I took a step back and realized I was handling this all wrong. I had jumped right to trying to fix the problem before acknowledging and validating his concerns. He wasn’t hearing me because I wasn’t hearing him. I paused for a moment, listened closer to what he was saying, and tried to understand what he was feeling. I realized that, from the limited information he had, he did have reason to be concerned.

  I paused for a moment, and then said, “You know what, Jace? I can absolutely see why you’re concerned. Without hearing all the discussion and project details, you just see this guy suddenly working on projects for which he’s not the most qualified. I whole-heartedly agree with you there. You’re basically left to wonder who’s driving these projects, if you’ll get to have any say in the creative direction, etc. I’d be concerned too if I were in your shoes.”

  “Yeah,” he said, the relief audible in his voice. “That’s exactly it. I’m just concerned that he doesn’t have the experience and skill for these types of projects.”

  “Aha!” I thought to myself, “progress!” Recognizing that one validating comment had finally broken us out of the endless cycle of argument, I continued:

  “I totally get why you’re concerned, and I very much appreciate your keeping an eye out for the company. I also appreciate you bringing this up to me, as I know these kinds of conversation aren’t easy to have.”

  “Yeah seriously, Michael,” he said with an even deeper sigh of relief. “I don’t think you have any idea how hard this is for me to have this conversation with you right now.”

  By this point, the tension in the conversation had eased significantly, and Jace, now feeling heard and understood, was finally open to my perspective. I explained to him that I too felt this individual was not the best fit for the position, but that he was qualified enough for these particular projects. I assured Jace that I would be working closely with this person to ensure quality work and that I wanted Jace’s help in executing a few key elements.

  “Thank you, Michael,” he said, “that is what I needed to hear. I feel much better about this now.” He left my office and we carried on with our work.

  Notice how (after a little trial and error on my part), I was able to validate Jace’s concerns without ever saying, “You’re right. He shouldn’t be working on this.” If I hadn’t paused to understand and validate his concerns, our conversation could have continued for hours with little or no resolution.

  If someone is distraught, angry, or concerned, validating them is your best chance at getting them to be receptive to feed
back. The great thing is, you can validate someone even if you disagree with them. Learning to do so will give you a valuable tool for navigating confrontations, negotiations, disagreements, and the like.

  Misconception #3: Validation is Simply Repeating What the Other Person Says

  Years ago, I learned of a technique called reflective listening. Reflective listening is essentially the act of repeating back to someone, in your own words, what they have just said. The idea here is that you 1) check to see if you’ve heard them correctly, and 2) help them realize you are listening. While this can be a useful skill, I’ve found that it is frequently misunderstood and poorly implemented. If you’re not tactful, simply reflecting back what someone has said can come across as mechanical and inauthentic.

  If a friend tells you she’s angry because her boss insulted her, a reflective listening response might be, “You feel angry because he insulted you.” It’s factual (as far as you know), nonjudgmental, and shows your friend that you’re paying attention. Reflective listening focuses on the words the other person has just said.

  Validation, in contrast, focuses on the emotion the other person has just expressed. As we discussed in chapter 1, most people don’t question whether we understand their words; they want to know that we’re connecting with what they’re sharing. For the example above, a more validating response might be, “Wow! I’m angry just hearing about that!” The key difference here is that rather than looking at your friend’s experience, you’re getting into it with her and seeking to understand how she’s feeling.

  Several years ago, I enrolled in an interpersonal and communication skills class where students were encouraged to keep in touch with each other outside the classroom. A couple of classes focused on empathy and validation, and we were encouraged to follow up with each other as we practiced these principles in our day-to-day lives.

  One class member, however, mistook validation as reflective listening, and when he tried to offer validation, it felt mechanical and impersonal. When I would call him up, looking for a little support or a fresh perspective, our conversations sounded something like the following:

  Me: “Hey Tyler, I’m feeling really frustrated right now. Do you have a second?”

  Tyler: “Yeah, what’s up?”

  Me: “I just spent eight hours on a project at work only to find out that the criteria changed and I have to start over. I’m feeling a ton of stress and frustration right now and just need some help letting it go.”

  Tyler: “Hmm, so let me see if I got this right. You’re feeling frustrated right now. You spent eight hours on a project for work and then found out that you have to start over? I also heard that you’re feeling stressed and wanted to call someone who would help you let it go. Is that right?”

  (I’m not exaggerating here. That’s really how he talked.)

  Now, there’s not necessarily anything wrong with that approach (at least I knew he was listening!), but it didn’t feel sincere. To be honest, it was a little awkward. I sat there thinking, “It’s like I’m talking to a script-reading tech support agent right now!”

  With the best of intentions, this guy was simply repeating back what I had told him without connecting to how I was feeling. It didn’t help that he repeated back my words nearly verbatim—something even reflective listening experts advise against. It’s not surprising that I felt the lack of empathy and our conversation fell flat. The more validating response I was hoping for would have gone something like:

  “Wow, you spent eight hours on that? What happened?” […conversation…] “Gosh, I’m sorry, that’s super-frustrating.”

  Effective validation requires empathy and emotional understanding, and therefore extends beyond simple reflective listening. We need to do more than just show others we hear the words they are speaking; we need to show them we’re connecting with the emotions they’re feeling.

  Chapter 3 Summary

  You can validate any emotion—positive or negative. While validating difficult emotions can lead to stronger, healthier, more satisfactory relationships, studies have shown that validating positive emotions and sharing in others’ excitement, pride, happiness, etc. can be equally beneficial.

  You can validate anyone, even if you disagree with them. When you validate someone, you’re essentially saying, “I get why you feel that way.” That’s different than saying, “You’re right” or “I agree.” The key point here is that if you were in that person’s shoes, having only the information, background, and perception that they do, you would likely feel the same way.

  Validation is more than just repeating what the other person says. Simply reflecting another’s words, without seeking to understand the emotion behind them, can come across as inauthentic and disconnected. While rephrasing what you’ve heard is a valuable tool, validation shows an understanding of the other person’s emotions and the “why” behind them.

  CHAPTER 4

  IT ALL STARTS WITH EMPATHY

  “Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?”

  – Henry David Thoreau

  Before diving into the Four-Step Validation Method, it’s important to ensure we have a basic understanding of empathy—the foundation of genuine connection. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When we have empathy for another person, we put ourselves in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. We seek to understand where they are coming from and try to imagine what they are going through.

  Empathy is Different From Sympathy

  Sympathy is a feeling of care or concern for another person, often accompanied by a wish to see them better off or happier. Sympathy is standing on the outside of a situation, looking in (e.g. “I’m sorry you’re sad.”) Empathy is stepping into the situation and feeling the emotion (e.g. “Wow, this is sad.”).

  When we sympathize, we feel for someone because of his or her pain. When we empathize, we feel the pain with them. For example:

  Sympathy

  Empathy

  “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.”

  “Ugh, the flu is no fun at all.”

  Sympathy

  Empathy

  “I’m sorry you’re frustrated. I hope you figure it out.”

  “Ah, that’s so frustrating!”

  In a talk given at a conference in 2013, author and research professor Brené Brown gave an example that helps further illustrate the difference between sympathy and empathy.

  Imagine, for a moment, that someone has fallen into in a dark hole. They look up and say, “I’m stuck. It’s dark. I’m overwhelmed.”

  Brown suggests that a sympathetic response would be to look down into the hole and say, “Whoa! That’s bad. I’m sorry you’re down there. Do you want a sandwich?”

  In contrast, the empathic response would be to climb down into the hole with them and say, “I know what it’s like down here. It’s tough. And you’re not alone.”4

  Effective validation can come only after we’ve connected with the other person and are able to understand—at least to some extent—what they are feeling.

  Tips for Developing Empathy

  Struggling to feel empathy for someone? While there’s no sure-fire, one-size-fits-all approach to developing it, the following tips may help.

  Empathy Tip #1: Get Curious

  Ask yourself the following questions:

  “What is this person’s background? Could past issues be influencing their reaction?”

  “What if someone had done that to me? How would I feel?”

  “If I haven’t had a similar experience, have I ever felt a similar emotion?”

  “What if that were my [child/parent/job/dog/etc.]?”

  Asking questions such as these often uncovers an element or two of the other person’s circumstance that strikes a chord inside you.

  Empathy Tip #2: Look at Them

  Pause for a moment, let go of whatever thoughts may be zipping through your
head, and take a moment to truly see the person across from you on a deeper level. Make eye contact. Recognize that they are a human being with fears, hopes, uncertainties, pain, and joy. Recognize that their life may be a lot harder than you know.

  This can be a surprisingly powerful experience when done with sincerity. Taking time to recognize that another person may be hurting, or may be especially excited or hopeful about something, will help you get out of your own head.

  Empathy Tip #3: Imagine Them as a Child

  This may sound odd, but imagining another person as a young, vulnerable child often makes it easier to feel their emotion. If you’re having a hard time empathizing with your roommate during an embarrassing situation (perhaps you think he should “just get over it”), consider how you would feel if you looked over and saw a four-year-old standing there with fear, shame, and embarrassment visible on his face. I have been guilty of telling a genuinely scared friend to “man up” even though I would never have said such a thing to a terrified four-year-old.