I Hear You Page 3

  “You’ll be fine.”

  “It could be worse!”

  “At least it’s not [fill in the blank].”

  “Just put a smile on your face and tough it out.”

  “Don’t worry; things will work out.”

  “Stop complaining; you’re not the only one who’s hurting.”

  “It’s not that big of a deal.”

  If you’re anything like me (or most people), one or more of these phrases probably sounds all too familiar.

  “But what if there’s really nothing to worry about?” you ask.

  It doesn’t matter. What matters is that the other person is worrying and wants someone to see and appreciate that. Everyone—regardless of age, gender, or IQ—will find themselves in a similar situation from time to time, when they’re stressed or worried about something they “shouldn’t” be. When someone is in that state, a simple “don’t worry” doesn’t help. If you instead show them that you see and appreciate what they’re feeling, they’ll either find a solution of their own, or become much more willing to listen to yours.

  Knowing When to Validate

  While everybody likes the feeling of validation, very few people know about it by name. They can sense when they are or aren’t receiving it, but rarely do they know what to call it. As a result, it’s unlikely that someone will approach you and outright say, “I could use a little validation.” So this begs the question: how do you know when to validate?

  Requests for validation are far more common than you might expect. In my experience (admittedly lacking any form of scientific measurement), 80-90 percent of conversations have at least one opportunity to validate. In other words, if someone is talking to you, they’re probably hoping for validation. This again stems from our basic human need for appreciation and acceptance. It’s something we all feel an inner draw towards, regardless of how independent, confident, or self-sufficient we may be.

  If you’re uncertain about whether you should validate, simply check to see if the other person is sharing something. It could be an experience, an emotion, a concern, etc. If someone is sharing something with you (e.g. “You’ll never believe what happened at work!” “I just don’t know what to do with Aaron.” “This upcoming exam is going to kill me!”), they are probably looking for validation. Even if they share an issue with you and ask for advice, they will still be hoping (consciously or unconsciously) for a little validation first.

  The remaining 10-20 percent of your conversations will be factual in nature with little-to-no emotion involved. If the other person is asking for directions, assigning a project to you at work, or asking what you’d like for dinner, you’re probably in the clear. But if a person asks for directions, and then tells you he’s worried he’s going to get lost, he is once again looking for validation.

  Example #1: Frustrated Spouse

  The following example is adapted from a conversation a friend of mine had with his wife. She came to him frustrated with her sister and looking for support.

  Amy: “Ugh. Emily is driving me crazy!”

  David: “What happened?”

  Amy: “You know this sisters’ trip we’ve been planning? She keeps changing the plans and doesn’t seem to listen to—or care at all about—what the rest of us want to do.”

  David: “Well, have you just told her what you want to do?”

  Amy: “Of course I have. We all have! She always seems to have some reason for doing things her way. Ugh. I’m so sick of this.”

  David: “You should just tell her that—that you don’t feel like she’s listening.”

  Amy: “I’ve tried that. She always does this. I feel like I’m crazy because everyone else just backs down and lets her take over. I’m not about to spend all this money and take a week off work only to have to follow her strict schedule all day!”

  David: “Well, if you don’t want to go, don’t go.”

  Amy: “Of course I want to go! I just want to go and actually have fun!”

  David: “Then just talk to your other sisters. I’m sure you guys can figure it out. Or I’ll talk to her!”

  Amy: “No, I can take care of it. I’m just frustrated.”

  David: “What if you each planned one day?”

  Amy: “It’s not that easy. The sites we want to see are too far apart from each other.”

  David: “What if you just booked a tour group instead?”

  Amy: “No, we want to do it ourselves.”

  David (not quite sure what Amy is expecting from him at this point): “Well, you’d better figure it out soon. Isn’t the trip in a few weeks?”

  Amy (now frustrated and ready to end the conversation): “Yeah. It’s okay. I’ll figure it out.”

  Why did David’s multiple attempts to help his wife go so poorly? In short, he didn’t recognize that she was looking for validation rather than advice. Amy remained frustrated because David tried to fix the problem right out of the gates instead of first validating her frustration. David also walked away feeling confused and unappreciated because Amy became more upset—and even a little defensive—as he tried to help.

  Again, David’s best chance of helping his wife would have been to simply acknowledge that her frustration was understandable and refrain from offering advice unless she asked for it. What makes the situation extra tricky, though, is the fact that Amy wasn’t even aware that she was looking for validation. All she knew was that as her husband tried to reassure her or offer solutions, she became increasingly defensive.

  Here’s how the conversation might have played out had David validated Amy instead of immediately trying to reassure her:

  Amy: “Ugh. Emily is driving me crazy!”

  David: “What happened?”

  Amy: “You know this sisters’ trip we’ve been planning? She keeps changing the plans and doesn’t seem to listen to—or care at all about—what the rest of us want to do.”

  David: “Really? What’s up with that?”

  Amy: “I don’t know! It’s driving me crazy. The trip is in a few weeks and I’m afraid we won’t be able to get reservations.”

  David: “Ugh, that’s so frustrating. What are you going to do?”

  Amy: “I don’t know. She always does this. I feel like I’m crazy because everyone else just backs down and lets her take over. I’m not about to spend all this money and take a week off work only to have to follow her strict schedule all day!”

  David: “Well, yeah—you’re splitting everything four ways, right? It’s your vacation as much as it is hers.”

  Amy: “Seriously. I’ll figure it out. It’s just so frustrating.”

  David: “Yeah, that really would be. Especially if you keep running into this with her.”

  Amy: “I do! I’ve just come to expect it from her. Ever since we were kids.”

  David: “That would drive me crazy.”

  Amy: “Ugh, tell me about it!”

  David: “Ugh, I’m sorry.”

  Amy: “It’s okay. I think I’ll just to talk to her about it again. If she really won’t budge . . . I don’t know. I might even do my own thing when we get out there.”

  David: “Not a bad idea. Hopefully she loosens up a bit.”

  Amy: “Yeah.”

  [Brief pause]

  Amy: “Anyway, thank you for listening. How was work?”

  David’s response in this example employs several principles of validation that we’ll discuss later in this book. He recognized that Amy was looking for validation rather than advice and offered just that. The result is simple, respectful, nonjudgmental support that helps Amy talk through and let go of her frustration rather than trying to ignore or suppress it. Their conversation becomes much more pleasant and connecting, and leads to a significantly more positive outcome.

  Example #2: Feeling Insecure

  Let’s say you’re talking to a friend who has been feeling insecure about her looks. After a particularly hard day, she plops down on your couch and sighs.

  “
I’m never going to get a guy to date me.”

  Most people’s knee-jerk reaction would be to shoot the comment down, insist it’s not true, and proceed to build their friend up with plenty of praise and encouragement. Would you have done the same? Even if that was your initial impulse, you’ve probably read enough of this book by now to suspect that there’s a better approach. (And that suspicion would be correct).

  Say you do shoot back with something like, “That’s not true! You’re totally going to find someone.” That wouldn’t be a bad response. Heck, you might be afraid that if you don’t say something like that, she’ll think you do think she’s a lost cause. But let’s be real here for a second: if you immediately respond with, “that’s not true,” will it really make her feel any better? Will she have a stroke of insight and say, “oh, okay, thank you!” and then go on her merry way?

  Not likely.

  A response like that might take the edge off for a second or two, but it’s not going to have any sort of lasting effect. Even if you, her coworkers, her family, and every person she ever talks to insist that she is beautiful, fun, smart, etc., it doesn’t change the fact that she feels unattractive in some way. There are countless accounts of professional models (we’re talking people who literally get paid because everyone thinks they’re gorgeous) admitting to feeling ugly and unlovable. In cases like these, there’s something deeper going on, a reason why the person is feeling the way they are. And if we’re being real here, the only way for your friend to truly feel lovable is to work through those issues and feelings.

  Here’s where validation becomes so valuable. As we discussed earlier, it’s very difficult for someone to work through difficult issues when they’re blinded by strong emotions. Painful or difficult emotions get stronger and more intimidating when fought or suppressed. When you validate other people, you help them see and accept their emotions for what they are: just feelings—neither good nor bad. This makes it significantly easier for them to process them and break free.

  So how do you validate in a situation like this? If you aren’t going to just shoot your friend’s comment down and try to build her up, then what do you do?

  Get curious about the situation. Ask questions to understand the emotion she is feeling and where it’s coming from. She could be feeling hurt, embarrassed, sad, angry, or any other mixture of emotions. We’ll walk through a few tips and techniques for uncovering someone’s feelings later in the book, but a more validating response might look like the following:

  Friend: “I’m never going to get a guy to date me.”

  You: “What? Why do you say that?”

  Friend: “I just see all these beautiful women everywhere and I’m nowhere near as pretty.”

  You: “There are a lot of beautiful women here. It’s hard to not compare yourself to others.”

  Friend: “Yeah. It sucks.”

  You: “Why do you feel like you’re not as beautiful?”

  Friend: “Jay said something the other night that really got to me…”

  You can see from this example how validation, paired with a little curiosity, can start to uncover the root causes of someone’s feelings. In this instance, a mixture of curiosity and empathy led to some insight about why your friend is feeling insecure. This additional insight will enable you to offer deeper validation in the areas that will have the most impact, and put you in a better position for offering feedback, advice, and assurance.

  Example #3: Struggling to Have Children

  During the first few years of my parents’ marriage, starting a family was among their greatest desires. They wanted nothing more than to be parents and to raise a loving, happy family. Yet, as weeks, months, and soon years passed without a successful pregnancy, it became apparent that having children of their own was going to be much more difficult than they expected. Despite repeated visits to doctors and trying numerous fertility treatments, they were unable to conceive, and the fear that they might never have children of their own grew darker and more frightening. Mother’s Day was particularly difficult for my mom, as it served as an annual reminder that she didn’t—and may never—have what she wanted most: to be a mother.

  As my parents sought support from friends and family, many replied with some form of the following:

  “I’m sure it’ll happen eventually!”

  “I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’ll all work out if it’s supposed to.”

  (And my personal favorite): “You can’t have kids? My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!”

  The people who made these comments may not have intended to be hurtful or dismissive, but their responses demonstrated a lack of empathy and minimized the pain and fear my parents were facing. It didn’t take long before my parents stopped confiding in these individuals and turned instead to those who were better at empathizing and validating.

  In this situation, a more validating response would have been any of the following:

  “I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard that must be.”

  “You know what? I haven’t been in your exact situation, but I can relate. Rick and I struggled to have kids for over five years and I still remember the agony I felt. There’s nothing easy about what you’re going through.”

  “Ah, that’s so hard. I’m sorry. How are you feeling?”

  Validating vs. Invalidating Responses

  Before we wrap this chapter up, let’s round out our understanding by taking a quick look at some side-by-side comparisons of validating vs. invalidating responses. Each example consists of one comment and two possible responses—one validating and one invalidating. These are short, sweet, and to the point, but if you’re looking for a little extra credit, take a moment or two to think up a few additional validating responses for each situation.

  Comment: “I’m worried about this upcoming exam . . .”

  Invalidating Response

  Validating Response

  “Don’t be! You’ll do great. I’m sure of it.”

  “I don’t blame you! This is a hard class!”

  Comment: “This cold is so annoying! I can’t sleep, I have a hard time breathing, and my throat is killing me.”

  Invalidating Response

  Validating Response

  “That’s unfortunate, but you’ll get over it. It could be worse—my neighbor caught the flu last year and was bedridden for almost a month!”

  “Ugh, that sounds miserable. It’s so frustrating not being able to sleep when you’re sick, and I can’t stand sore throats.”

  Comment: “I don’t want to go to school anymore. I’m so embarrassed after last night’s talent show that I don’t ever want to show my face there again!”

  Invalidating Response

  Validating Response

  “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You did a great job!”

  “I’m sorry, honey. It’s tough getting up there in front of the whole school like that—especially when you’re performing. Is there anything specific you’re worried about?”

  Pretty straightforward, right?

  Congratulations! You’ve just completed Validation 101. You now have a solid understanding of the basics and are ready for a more thorough—and actionable—deep dive. Chapters 3 and 4 will clear up common misconceptions (citing interesting research and personal experience) and give you a crash-course on empathy to set you up nicely for the powerful principles in Part II.

  Chapter 2 Summary

  Validation has two main elements. It 1) acknowledges a specific emotion, and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion.

  Validation is nonjudgmental. It allows the other person to feel whatever they’re feeling without labeling it as “good” or “bad.”

  Invalidation (i.e. minimizing or dismissing another person’s feelings) is counter-productive. Research has shown that invalidating responses can make a difficult situation worse, even when offered with the best of intentions.

  Offering validation—before or
instead of offering advice or assurance—is often the best way to help. Doing so helps others let go of difficult emotions much more quickly, often allowing them to find a solution to the problem on their own. Leading with validation also increases the likelihood that others will listen to and accept your advice.

  CHAPTER 3

  COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS

  “Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.”

  – Brené Brown

  While the basic concept of validation is quite simple, I often see it underutilized or misapplied due to a few common misunderstandings. May as well clear those up right now.

  Misconception #1: Validation is Only for Negative Emotions

  We’ve talked a lot about negative emotions up to this point, but validation is just as beneficial in supporting positive emotions. In fact, research has shown that the ability to validate the positive experiences of others can drastically improve connection and satisfaction in a relationship.

  In a study conducted in 2004, researchers found that romantic relationships were higher in commitment, satisfaction, trust, and intimacy—and lower in daily conflict—when partners validated each other’s good fortune.3 No real surprise there, though, right? That’s what you’d expect.

  What researchers were surprised to find, however, was that passive–constructive responses (e.g., “That’s nice. Guess what happened to me today!”) had the same correlation with negative relationship outcomes as active destructive responses (e.g., “You got promoted? Say goodbye to sleep!”). In other words, responding to someone’s excitement with an obvious lack of interest, even if your comment is positive, may be just as harmful as responding with a negative, discouraging comment.