I Hear You Page 2

  I hit a breaking point one evening after sharing something I was particularly excited about. As I finished the story (and calmed down a bit, as I tend to get quite animated in my storytelling), I looked at her and saw that same rather blank look on her face. “Cool!” she said.

  And that was it.

  I paused for a moment longer, expecting her to follow up with “That’s so exciting!” or “Then what did you do?” or something that showed me she actually cared about what I had just shared. I had been talking for several minutes, so a one-word response was surely not all she was going to give.

  Nothing.

  She just looked back at me with that same plain (though pleasant) look on her face and eventually asked, “What?”

  Okay. What was going on here? She listened to my story, didn’t interrupt, and seemed pleasant enough in her one-word response. What was I expecting?

  What I was expecting—and quite literally craving at this point in our relationship—was validation. I wanted to feel like she saw, understood, and shared in my excitement. I wasn’t telling her the story because I liked talking; I was sharing it with her in the hope that she would see my excitement and get excited with me. I was hoping we would connect over the shared experience.

  As I returned home that evening, I did as any healthy, productive, responsible human being would do and started mindlessly scrolling through Facebook. After a few minutes, I came across a link to an article on Business Insider titled “Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down to 2 Basic Traits.” Intrigued, I clicked through and began to read.

  The article discussed studies conducted by psychologist John Gottman who, for the previous four decades, had studied thousands of couples in an effort to figure out what makes relationships work. Seeking to better understand why some couples have healthy, lasting relationships while others do not, Gottman and his colleagues decorated their lab at the University of Washington to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast. They invited 130 newlywed couples to spend a day at the retreat and watched as they did what most people do on a typical weekend—prepare meals, chat, clean, and hang out.

  As Gottman studied the interactions of each couple, he began to notice a pattern. Throughout the day, partners would make small, seemingly insignificant requests for connection from each other. For example, a husband would look out the window and say, “Wow, check out that car!” He wasn’t just commenting on the car, though; he was looking for his wife to respond with shared interest or appreciation. He was hoping to connect—however momentarily—over the car. Gottman calls these requests for connection “bids.”

  The wife could then choose to respond positively (“Wow, that is nice!”), negatively (“Ugh, that’s hideous”), or passively (“Mmm, that’s nice, dear”). Gottman refers to positive and engaging responses as “turning toward” the bidder, and negative and passive responses as “turning away.” As it turned out, the way couples responded to these bids had a profound effect on their marital well-being.

  Gottman found that couples who had divorced during the six-year follow-up period had “turn-toward bids” just 33 percent of the time—meaning only three in ten of their requests for connection were met with interest and compassion.1

  In contrast, couples who remained together after the six-year period had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nearly nine times out of ten, the healthy couples were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

  Now here’s the kicker: by observing these types of interactions, Gottman can apparently predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—rich or poor, gay or straight, young or mature—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy, several years down the road.

  As I sat at my computer reading this article, something clicked. A surge of insight and validation (with a hint of vindication) flooded my body. This is what my relationship was missing! I was indeed making multiple “bids” or requests for connection each day, but felt like my girlfriend only “turned toward me” a small fraction of the time.

  I was familiar with the concept of validation by this time and had become quite adept at offering it to others, but I hadn’t yet learned to recognize when I needed it. As I read the article, I realized that what Gottman refers to as “turning toward” another individual is simply another way to describe validation—showing interest in and affirming the worth of another person’s comments, requests, or emotions.

  This new insight opened my eyes to a clear reality: validation is critical for building healthy, satisfying relationships. What’s more, it’s critical for any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Thus, the core idea of this book is that, in order to become a “great listener,” you actually need to become a great validator.

  The Swiss Army Knife of Communication Skills

  A few years ago, I met up with a good friend for lunch. We caught up on recent life events and reminisced about a few of the good times we’d had together. As the conversation progressed, we ended up talking about my recent study and exploration of validation. I had shared some of my research with him a couple of months prior, so both he and I were “trying it out.” We shared and analyzed recent experiences, looked for common threads, and sat in amazement at how effective this skill was. Just a week prior, I’d used the Four-Step Method (to be introduced in Part II of this book) to defuse a tense situation at work. In my pre-knowing-how-to-validate days, similar situations would turn into an hour or two of discussion and often end with significant frustration. With my newfound approach, it was resolved in about thirty minutes with all parties feeling heard and understood. As I relayed the experience to my friend, I laughed, shook my head in disbelief, and said, “This feels like a super power!”

  Cheesy, I know, but validation was working like a charm. Of course, not every conversation I was having was a life-changing experience, but more often than not, the Four-Step Method delivered. I was learning to help others feel heard and understood, and I was beginning to realize just how desperately people needed that. Add to this the fact that few people even know what validation is, and you can see why this felt like a super power.

  With the principles, tools, and techniques set forth in this book, you will be able to:

  Calm (and sometimes even eliminate) the concerns, fears, or uncertainties of others. This is especially helpful if your significant other is upset, if you’re dealing with irate customers or coworkers, or if you’re trying to reason with young children.

  Add a boost to others’ excitement and happiness. This is an obvious gift to the other person, but studies have also shown that validating the positive experiences of others can drastically improve connection and satisfaction in a relationship.

  Provide support and encouragement to others, even when you don’t know how to fix the problem. There is great confidence in knowing you can help someone in any situation, regardless of your own experience or expertise.

  More easily show love, understanding, and compassion in your intimate relationships. Studies (and common sense) show that this skill is critical to lasting, happy relationships.

  Help others feel safe and comfortable confiding in you. This promotes deeper, more meaningful connection and increases others’ affinity toward you.

  Avoid or quickly resolve arguments. Instead of butting heads and going in circles, you’ll save time, frustration, and headache by knowing how to calm the other party and make your point heard.

  Give advice that sticks. When you understand and validate others, they become significantly more open to your advice, feedback, and/or assurance.

  Become an all-around more likeable human being. When you help someone feel heard and understood, they can’t help but develop a natural liking toward you. Humans have a deep-seated need to feel heard and appreciated. Those who sincerely fill those needs, therefore, are among the most loved and respected.

  In other words, this stuff is amazing. And it applies to virtually any relationship in your life. If you have coworkers, friends, siblin
gs, parents, children, neighbors, a spouse, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a hairstylist, a boss, a landlord, or a taxi driver, you can use validation to improve that relationship.

  Chapter 1 Summary

  We want (and need) more than just a listening ear. As humans, we need to feel heard and understood. We need to feel accepted and appreciated. Good listeners, therefore, do more than just listen—they validate.

  Validation can make a tremendous difference in your marriage or romantic relationships. Studies show that couples who learn to validate and support each other have significantly happier and longer-lasting marriages than those who do not.

  Validation is as versatile as it is valuable. Effective validation can calm fear or frustration, give a boost to others’ excitement or good fortune, get others to listen to your side of the story, deepen relationships, quickly resolve arguments, and help make you an all-around more likeable human being.

  CHAPTER 2

  VALIDATION 101

  “Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood.”

  – Leo Rosten

  We as humans are social creatures. We crave acceptance, appreciation, and a sense of belonging. In times of joy and success, we seek to share our excitement with others. In times of pain and sorrow, we seek comfort and support. Whichever way you slice it, we are hardwired for connection. As John Gottman noted in his research, we make dozens—if not hundreds—of requests for connection each day. More often than not (and whether we know it or not), we are looking for validation.

  As I mentioned earlier, validation (in the context of interpersonal skills, anyway) is the act of recognizing and affirming the validity or worth of a person’s emotions. Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.”

  Effective validation has two components:

  It identifies a specific emotion

  It offers justification for feeling that emotion

  For example, let’s say you’re out to lunch with a coworker. You’ve finished your meal and are chatting for a few more minutes before heading back to the office. You’ve noticed that she seems a bit distracted, frequently checking her phone and not being as present and engaged as she typically is. Curious, you ask what’s up.

  “Oh . . . my daughter was supposed to call me when she got home from dance practice,” she says, “but I haven’t heard from her. I was expecting to hear from her an hour ago, so I’m a little worried.”

  What would you say? Would you offer reassurance? (e.g. “Oh I’m sure she’s fine. You know how teenagers are. She probably just forgot.”) Or would you jump in with advice? (e.g. “You should call one of her friends!”) While both these responses might help, they would be even more effective if you first took a moment to validate. (We’ll get to why this is the case in just a minute).

  To validate your coworker in this situation, you would hold off on the advice and assurance for a moment and instead say something like, “I don’t blame you for being worried, especially if she told you she’d call an hour ago…”

  Notice how that response 1) identifies a specific emotion (worry), and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion (it’s been over an hour since she expected to hear from her daughter). This response shows your friend that you not only hear how she’s feeling, but that you understand why she’s feeling that way. While it may seem counterintuitive, choosing to validate your friend instead of offering solutions to her problem is likely the best way to help.

  A study published in 2011 illustrates this point. Participants were asked to complete a number of difficult math problems during a short period of time, and then asked to report their emotional state (e.g. stressed, embarrassed, confident, etc.). The facilitator then responded with either a validating or invalidating comment. If the participant expressed frustration, for example, the researcher would respond with a comment such as, “Whoa, other people were frustrated, but not as much as you seem to be” (invalidating), or, “I don’t blame you—completing math problems without pencil and paper is frustrating!” (validating).

  Participants were then asked to complete a second round of arithmetic and once again report their feelings. Their emotions were once again validated or invalidated, and the process was repeated a third and final time. Researchers measured participants’ response to the stress and feedback by tracking their heart rate and skin conductance levels (SCL), common measures of physiological response. When the experiment was complete, the data was gathered and analyzed, and trends, correlations, and insights recorded.

  Perhaps unsurprisingly, participants who received invalidating responses showed a gradual increase in SCL, a prolonged stress response, and a steady increase in heart rate. They also reported regular increases in negative feelings after each round, despite being told “not to worry.” In other words, they were worrying, and they really weren’t enjoying the experiment.

  Participants who had their emotions validated, however, had entirely different results. These individuals showed a significantly lower trajectory of SCL, reported nonsignificant changes in negative feelings, and actually showed a steady decrease in heart rate over the course of the experiment.2 Did you catch that? It wasn’t just that their heart rate stayed flat, or rose at a slower rate than those who were invalidated; it actually went down, despite the fact that they continued to work through difficult problems. While they were exposed to the same stressors as the other group, those who had their feelings validated found it significantly easier to regulate their emotions and keep their cool.

  More often than not, people who vent or complain already know how to handle their current situation—they’re just looking for someone to see and appreciate their struggle. While it seems almost counterintuitive, validation is often the quickest and easiest way to help people work through their concerns and get back on track.

  Validating Responses

  There are, of course, countless ways to validate. As long as you show the other person that you recognize and accept their emotions, you’re validating. Any of the following comments would be validating in the appropriate context:

  “Wow, that would be confusing.”

  “He really said that? I’d be angry too!”

  “Ah, that is so sad.”

  “I totally get why you feel that way; I’ve been in a similar situation before and it was rough.”

  “You have every right to be proud; that was a major accomplishment!”

  “I’m so happy for you! You’ve worked incredibly hard on this. It must feel amazing.”

  Notice again how each of these responses refers to a specific emotion and shows some justification for or acceptance of it. Including both elements of validation shows the other person that you not only hear them, you understand them.

  Invalidating Responses

  Now that we’re familiar with basic validating responses, let’s take a look at their more commonly employed sibling: invalidating responses. Invalidating responses are often born out of good intentions, but they do anything but help.

  Society teaches us from an early age that there are certain emotions that we “should” and “shouldn’t” feel. Comments such as “don’t cry,” “don’t worry,” and “don’t be angry,” as well as “be happy,” “be more confident,” and “just enjoy the journey” all reinforce this idea. For some reason, we’ve grown uncomfortable with certain emotions and labeled them as “bad.” These often include worry, fear, anger, jealousy, pride, sadness, guilt, and uncertainty. At the same time, we’re told that we need to feel more of the “good” emotions. These typically include happiness, excitement, calm, confidence, and gratitude.

  This may seem fine and dandy on the surface, but it starts to become a problem when we feel bad about ourselves for feeling a “bad” emotion. If I shouldn’t get angry—but I do—then maybe I’m a bad or angry person. If I’m worried about something that I shouldn’t be wo
rried about, then maybe I’m irrational or overdramatic. If I’m afraid of something that I shouldn’t be afraid of, then perhaps I’m weak or a coward. These and other shame messages run rampant through our minds, all because we aren’t feeling the way we “should.”

  The truth is there’s nothing inherently good or bad about any emotion. Emotions just are. They’re simply reactions to a situation. And, whether we like it or not, we’re going to feel a whole slew of them, each and every day, for the rest of our lives. William Shakespeare said it best: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” It is how we interpret these emotions—and choose to handle them—that makes the difference.

  Anger, for example, gets a bad rap. While many let it lead them to violence, others let it lead them to positive action. Many of the most significant, positive changes in this world came about because someone became angry about an injustice and let that anger drive them to do something about it.

  So how does this judging of emotions relate to validation? Put simply, it completely undermines it. When we tell people they should or shouldn’t feel something, we risk making the situation worse. Think back to the study from the last section: telling participants to not worry (or otherwise suggesting that they were being irrational) added to their stress. Unfortunately, invalidating others is easy to do. For most people, it’s almost a knee-jerk reaction. How many times have you responded to a friend or family member with some variation of the following?