I Hear You Page 5

  Imagining others as younger, more vulnerable versions of themselves is a great way to help feelings of empathy flow a little more freely.

  Empathy Tip #4: Learn to Identify Your Own Emotions

  You can’t feel empathy for another person if you don’t know how they’re feeling. Yet being able to accurately identify others’ emotions isn’t always as easy as it may seem. The good news is that you can improve your ability to recognize others’ emotions by making a habit of identifying your own. Again, this may sound simple, but you might be surprised.

  For example, how are you feeling right now?

  If you’re like most people, you’ll probably say, “fine.”

  But “fine” isn’t an emotion. It’s how you’re categorizing your current emotion.

  “Okay,” you say, “I’m feeling good.”

  Nope. Still not an emotion.

  “Right. I’m feeling happy.”

  There we go. Happy is an emotion, and something others can relate to. If you tell me you’re feeling “good,” I’ll probably assume you mean “content,” and I may or may not be right. If you tell me you’re feeling “happy,” I now have a much better idea of where you’re at and can more accurately relate.

  One way to practice identifying your own emotions is to set a reminder on your phone to check in with yourself a few times throughout the day. Then take these moments to pause, notice how you’re feeling, and identify the emotions by name. Keep an eye out for the following cop-out responses:

  “Good”

  “Fine”

  “Better than yesterday”

  “Alright”

  “Okay”

  “Not great”

  When you catch yourself using a cop-out word or phrase, dig deeper for the actual emotion. For example:

  “Good” might actually mean: happy, grateful, comfortable, content, excited, energized, confident, or positive.

  “Okay” might actually mean: content, tired, worn out, or worried.

  “Not great” might actually mean: scared, hurting, sad, lonely, worried, betrayed, sick, uneasy, anxious, or weak.

  “Better than yesterday” could really mean anything: happy, comfortable, excited; or sad, anxious, etc.

  Learning to identify your own emotions will increase your ability to feel empathy for others in two ways. First, you’ll become hyper-sensitive to cop-outs when you hear them from others. I find myself keying in on these responses all the time now. I’ll be at work, the grocery store, or out with friends, and ask someone how they’re doing. Nine times out of ten they’ll say “good,” and I’ll feel an almost knee-jerk reaction to dig a little deeper. “Just good?” I’ll often ask. Their response to my follow-up is almost always more genuine and detailed, which sets the stage for a more authentic (and more enjoyable) conversation.

  Second, getting in the habit of identifying your own emotions helps you build a broader catalog of emotional experience. When someone tells you they’re feeling embarrassed, you’ll be better able to empathize if you can think back to a specific moment when you felt the same way. If you haven’t been in the habit of identifying your own emotions, those same embarrassing experiences will likely end up filed away in the “bad feelings” folder in your mind and be much more difficult to access.

  Empathy Tip #5: Quit Judging Your Own Emotions

  In order to have empathy for others, you need to identify and accept their emotions without judgment. It’s not easy to do this for others if you’re not already in the habit of doing it for yourself. Unfortunately, as discussed in chapter 2, many of us grow up believing that certain emotions should be suppressed, avoided, or ignored. If you see this tendency in yourself, I have good news: you’re already well on your way to changing it. The more awareness you can bring to the habit, the easier it will be to change it.

  The next time you notice an emotion—any emotion—rising up inside you, check to see if you’re suppressing, avoiding, or accepting it. How will you know if you’re avoiding it? Simply look for invalidating statements. Are you telling yourself to “suck it up” or “stop worrying”? Are you trying to convince yourself that “it’s fine”? These are telltale signs that you’ve judged the emotion instead of accepting it. Once you’ve noticed that you are avoiding or repressing, you have an opportunity to stop, step back, and practice accepting instead.

  When you notice an emotion come up, try to look at it as objectively as possible, like a scientist observing a reaction:

  “Man, I’m ticked.”

  “Huh, I’m feeling a lot of jealousy right now.”

  “Wow, I’m actually feeling pretty sad.”

  For extra credit, you can even practice validating yourself:

  “Okay, I’m upset. That makes sense. He promised he would be on time and he’s already fifteen minutes late. Who wouldn’t be upset?”

  The more you practice recognizing, accepting, and validating your own emotions, the easier it will be to develop empathy for, and then validate, the emotions of others.

  Chapter 4 Summary

  Empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy is standing on the outside of a situation and looking in (e.g. “I’m sorry you’re sad.”) Empathy is stepping into the situation with the other person and feeling the emotion with them (e.g. “Wow, this is sad”).

  Empathy Tip #1: Get curious. Ask yourself questions such as, “What is this person’s background? Could past issues be influencing their reaction? What if someone had done that to me? How would I feel? If I haven’t had a similar experience, have I ever felt a similar emotion?”

  Empathy Tip #2: Look at them. Take a moment to see the other person on a deeper level. Make eye contact. Recognize that they are a human being with fears, hopes, uncertainties, pain, and joy. Recognize that their life may be a lot harder than you know.

  Empathy Tip #3: Imagine them as a child. Try picturing the other person as a four-year-old version of themselves. Because showing emotion is considered a sign of weakness in many cultures, it can be difficult to empathize with adults who may be having a hard time. Picturing the other person as a young child can help remove this stigma and make it easier to feel genuine empathy.

  Empathy Tip #4: Learn to identify your own emotions. Become better at identifying others’ emotions by getting in the habit of identifying your own. Consider setting a reminder in your phone each day to check in with yourself and take inventory of how you’re feeling.

  Empathy Tip #5: Quit judging your own emotions. The next time you notice an emotion—any emotion—rising up inside you, check to see if you’re suppressing, avoiding, or accepting it. The more you practice recognizing, accepting, and validating your own emotions, the easier it will be to develop empathy for, and then validate, the emotions of others.

  PART II

  THE FOUR-STEP

  VALIDATION METHOD

  INTRODUCTION TO PART II

  While the concept of validation is relatively simple, knowing how to effectively implement it in your day-to-day can be a bit more difficult. The Four-Step Validation Method is a tried-and-true approach to giving validation and feedback in nearly any situation. I reverse-engineered it from thousands of successful validation experiences and boiled it down to four basic steps. Each step is accompanied by several key principles that provide additional insight and direction.

  The Four-Step Method is simple by design, allowing it to apply to everything from quick, lighthearted exchanges to lengthy, emotionally charged conversations. Because every interaction is unique, the way you implement the method will vary from case to case. In nearly every situation, however, the Four-Step Method will help you better connect with and support the other person. We will explore several examples of implementing the method in Part III.

  Like riding a bike or playing an instrument, the skill of validation will become second nature with practice. You will not always need to think, “Step 1 . . . Step 2 . . . Step 3 . . .” every time you talk with someone. With practice, you will comfortably and nat
urally flow through and adapt the method without giving it a second thought. Let’s get into it.

  THE FOUR-STEP

  VALIDATION METHOD

  Listen Empathically

  Validate the Emotion

  Offer Advice or Encouragement (if appropriate)

  Validate the Emotion Again

  STEP 1

  LISTEN EMPATHICALLY

  “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”

  – Bryant H. McGill

  Before you can validate someone, you have to first understand how they are feeling. This starts with listening, but also requires you to look beyond the words they speak and identify the emotions they express. This is known as empathic listening.

  Author and mediation expert Gregorio Billikopf notes that empathic listening “requires that we accompany a person in her moment of sadness, anguish, self-discovery, challenge (or even great joy!).”5 [Italics added]

  As you listen to others, employ the empathy-building techniques discussed in the previous chapter. Ask yourself, “What emotions do I see in them? Are they angry? Hurt? Excited? Confused? How would I feel?”

  Get curious about the situation. Show your interest by asking clarifying questions and checking to see if your observations are accurate, such as:

  “That was last week, right?”

  “So then what did you do?”

  “Wait, she actually said that to you?”

  “How did that feel?”

  “You seem worried.”

  “You sound frustrated.”

  The better you understand the situation and how the other person is reacting to it, the more effective your validation will be.

  Key Principles: Empathic Listening

  Give Your Full Attention

  In today’s fast-paced, ever-connected world, we have dozens of distractions vying for our attention. You might think that as long as you seem attentive in a conversation, it’s okay to let your mind work on other things. Nothing could be further from the truth. When we’re not fully present, people notice.

  Have you ever had the experience of talking with someone whose mind was obviously elsewhere? Maybe they kept glancing at their phone, looking over your shoulder, or checking the time. It’s tough to feel like you matter to them in that moment. Whatever they’re distracted by, it’s apparently more important than talking to you. Not a great feeling.

  Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth, points out that “not only can the lack of presence be visible, it can also be perceived as inauthentic—which has even worse emotional consequences. When you’re perceived as disingenuous, it’s virtually impossible to generate trust, rapport, or loyalty.”6

  If someone asks to talk when you’re distracted or unable to take a break, let them know and ask if you can talk at a later time. You might say:

  “I’m sorry, I’m right in the middle of a stressful project and would be distracted if we talked right now. Can I call you in an hour? I want to give you my full attention.”

  When you do talk with them, show them they have your undivided attention. Close your laptop, even if your screen is blank. Take your ear buds out, even if music isn’t playing. Turn the TV off, even if it’s muted. These little actions go a long way in boosting your presence. Not only do they help you avoid distraction, they show the other person that you care about them enough to focus entirely on them.

  If you’re questioning whether or not these actions really make that much of a difference, consider this: research has shown that the mere presence of a smartphone can lessen the quality of a conversation—even if it’s just sitting on the table. No joke. In a 2014 study dubbed “The iPhone Effect,” researchers paired up 200 participants and invited them to sit down in a coffee shop and chat with each other for about ten minutes. Research assistants observed the conversations from a distance and paid special attention to whether a mobile device was used, touched, or placed on the table during the conversation. When the time was up, participants were asked to respond to a series of questions and statements designed to measure feelings of connection, empathic concern, and the like. These included, “To what extent did your conversation partner make an effort to understand your thoughts and feelings?” and “I felt I could really trust my conversation partner.”

  The results?

  If either participant pulled their phone out or placed it on the table, the quality of the conversation was rated to be less fulfilling compared to conversations that took place in the absence of mobile devices.7 “Even when they are not in active use or buzzing, beeping, ringing, or flashing, [digital devices] are representative of people’s wider social network,” the researchers note. “In their presence, people have the constant urge to seek out information, check for communication, and direct their thoughts to other people and worlds.”

  True, undivided attention is rare in today’s world. If you value the person you’re speaking with more than the latest sports score or a new text message, show them. Trust me—it will make a difference.

  Invite Them to Open Up

  It’s not always easy to walk up to someone and say, “I’m frustrated right now. Can I talk it over with you?” Instead, many people “hint” that they want to talk, using comments such as, “I’m so frustrated right now,” or “Ugh, it’s been a really tough week.”

  In other cases, the person’s body language and overall energy will signal that something is up. If you’re in a good place and wanting to help, you can show them you’re willing to listen with a simple invitation:

  “You seem upset. What’s up?”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “What’s going on?”

  If the person wants validation and support, a simple, casual invitation like this is often all they need to begin talking. If, after a little encouragement, they still don’t want to talk, don’t pry. You’ve let them know that you are willing to listen, which is a gift in and of itself.

  Be Observant

  When it comes to communication, we can’t (and don’t) rely solely on the words others say. Communication experts suggest that as much as 70 percent of our communication is nonverbal—meaning it’s delivered via body language, tone of voice, etc.8

  Chances are you’ve had at least one experience with saying one thing when you actually felt another. That little voice inside our heads often tells us to bend the truth to avoid burdening or offending others. As a result, you say, “Nah, I’m fine,” when you’re not. You agree to help a friend, saying “Sure, I’ll do that,” and then sulk in the knowledge that you’re going to be late for work. You tell your spouse it’s “no big deal” that they ate your leftover cake, when deep down you’re ready to strangle them.

  Because of this tendency, it’s helpful to pay attention to people’s expressions, tone of voice, and body language as they speak. Does what you see and feel fit with what they’re telling you? Do your observations give you additional insight into what else they may be feeling?

  I once had dinner with a woman who shared bits and pieces of a pretty rough childhood. She never once said “it sucked” or “it was really hard.” She just relayed a few of the facts as she tried to keep a smile on her face.

  She didn’t have to say, “I felt abandoned” or “It was incredibly painful.” I could see it in her eyes. I tried to empathize with her, imagining the difficulty of what she had just shared with me.

  “Wow,” I said, feeling a mixture of sadness and respect, “that must have been really tough.”

  “Yeah,” she admitted, pausing for a moment, “it was.”

  The conversation soon moved on to happier topics, but by taking a moment to look past her words and connect with her emotion, our friendship grew ever-so-slightly stronger.

  Match Their Energy

  Imagine for a moment that you just won a cruise for two from an online sweepstakes. (Now imagine that it’s legit—not one of those telephone scams.) Excited out of your mind, you appro
ach a friend at work.

  “You’ll never believe this!” you exclaim, “I just won an all-expense-paid trip to the Caribbean!”

  “Really?” your friend responds, lacking the energy and excitement you were expecting.

  “Yeah! I can’t believe I actually won! I never win anything!”

  With a half-smile and a look that makes it obvious that he doesn’t really care, your friend says, “Wow, that’s awesome. Congrats.”

  That’s a bit of a letdown, right? It doesn’t really matter what your friend said to you; if he said it in a less-than-enthusiastic way, you’d feel deflated. Even if he was genuinely happy for you, the fact that he didn’t match your energy (in this case, your excitement) would lead you to believe that he doesn’t really care.

  This is consistent with the findings of the study discussed in chapter 3, where researchers discovered that passively supportive reactions (i.e., quiet, understated support) were just as harmful to a relationship as actively destructive reactions (i.e., deliberately shooting down the other person’s thoughts or feelings).

  Matching another person’s energy is a critical part of effective validation. If the person is excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If the person is sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner. This principle comes naturally to many people but can be easy to forget when you’re distracted, stressed, or otherwise preoccupied. By matching the other person’s energy, you’ll be viewed as more present and connected to what they’re saying and feeling.