I Hear You Page 9

  Accept the validation and then pause (e.g. “Exactly.”)

  If the person continues to share, then continue to listen and give micro validation. If they accept the validation and then pause, you’re in a good position to ask if they’d like feedback.

  RWS #3: A Friend Going Through a Divorce

  Lindsey and Kate are close friends.

  Lindsey: “Hey Kate! How’s it going?”

  Kate: “Honestly, not well.”

  Lindsey: “Really? What’s up?” (L)

  Kate: “John just asked me for a divorce.”

  Lindsey: “Oh my gosh. Are you serious? Kate, I’m so sorry. [pause] When did this happen?” (MV, L)

  Kate: “Last night.”

  Lindsey: “Did you know this was coming? Have you guys been having problems?” (L)

  Kate: “Kind of. I don’t know—I didn’t really think this would happen. We’ve grown pretty distant over the past six months or so, but I guess I just thought that was normal. He just told me he’s been seeing someone else.”

  Lindsey: “Are you kidding me? Ah, Kate . . . I am so sorry.” (MV)

  (Lindsey pauses for a moment to see if Kate wants to share more).

  Lindsey: “How are you feeling right now? It was just last night that he told you?”(L)

  Kate: “Yeah. To be honest I’m pretty numb. I don’t even really want to think about it right now.”

  Lindsey: “I don’t blame you. I can’t even imagine.” (V)

  Kate: “Yeah.”

  (There’s a slight pause in the conversation and it becomes apparent that Kate doesn’t want to talk much more about it.)

  Lindsey: “Well hey, I’m here for you. I appreciate you letting me know—that’s an incredibly heavy load to carry. I honestly can’t even imagine. If you ever want to talk, know that I’m always willing to listen.” (VA)

  ***

  Notice how, instead of avoiding the topic and being worried about opening the wound with Kate, Lindsey asks a couple questions to better understand the situation.

  Kate doesn’t appear to be connected with her emotions right off the bat, so Lindsey asks how she is feeling. Even though Kate isn’t able to pinpoint specific emotions, Lindsey still does her best to validate how difficult the situation must be.

  There is certainly no room for feedback here, and it quickly becomes apparent that Kate doesn’t want to talk much more, so Lindsey thanks her, validates her one more time, and leaves her with an open invitation to talk in the future.

  RWS #4: Getting a New Job

  Tyler and Alex are acquaintances. They know each other through a mutual friend and see each other every week or two.

  Alex: “Tyler! It’s been a while. How’ve you been?”

  Tyler: “Great! Life is pretty good right now.”

  Alex: “Good to hear. How’s work?” (L)

  Tyler: “Fantastic actually—I just accepted a job at a new company!”

  Alex: “Serious? Congratulations!” (MV)

  Tyler: “Thank you!”

  Alex: “What’s the new position?” (L)

  Tyler: “Customer Service Manager.”

  Alex: “Nice! You were on the customer service team at your last job, right? What’s different about this new job?” (MV, L)

  Tyler: “Well, before I was just taking calls every day (and getting yelled at) but now I’ll be managing a team, training new hires, and working with upper management to improve the whole system. I’m pretty excited.”

  Alex: “I bet you’ll be happy to get off the phones?” (MV, L)

  Tyler: “Oh, you have no idea.”

  Alex: “I’m sure. People can be brutal over the phone. Having to deal with angry people every day has to take a toll.” (V)

  Tyler: “It does. I’m sure I’ll still have to deal with the occasional angry customer, but far less often than I used to.”

  Alex: “Ah, that’s so great.” (V)

  Tyler: “Yeah, I’m pretty excited!”

  Alex: “Well seriously, congratulations, Tyler. When do you start the new position?” (VA, L)

  Tyler: “Monday.”

  Alex: “You’ll have to let me know how it goes!”

  Tyler: “Thank you, I will.”

  ***

  In this exchange, Alex validated his friend in several casual, yet effective, ways. When Tyler shared the news of his new job, Alex saw an opportunity to validate the feelings of excitement and pride. By matching Tyler’s energy and excitement, he showed that he was connected and appreciated the good news. He also used the “Guessing/Asking” technique to validate the difficulty of Tyler’s old position—specifically the stress associated with working with angry customers.

  This exchange was brief and casual, yet Alex’s genuine interest in and positive response to Tyler’s good news was almost certainly energizing. Chances are good that Tyler walked away with renewed excitement, as well as greater appreciation for Alex.

  RWS #5: Spouse’s Stressful Day with Kids

  Kelli is a stay-at-home mom raising three young children. Mark comes home from work to find her notably frazzled.

  Mark: “Hey, honey, how’s your day been?”

  Kelli: “Hectic.”

  Mark: “Really? What’s up?” (L)

  Kelli: “I just need a break.”

  Mark: “Kids not behaving?” (L)

  Kelli: “No. But it’s not just that. Trying to manage carpool, homework, soccer, making lunch, and keeping the house clean—all while trying to keep everyone alive? I’m not cut out for this.”

  Mark: “You do an insane amount of work every day. Trying to juggle all that would take a toll on anybody.” (V)

  Kelli: “If I can just get through today I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

  Mark: “What more do you have to do?” (L)

  Kelli: “I told Lex I’d read with her and then I need to finish the laundry.“

  Mark: “You’ve done more today than most people do in a week. We’re both exhausted. How about I fold the laundry while you read to Lexi and we can both relax after that?” (V)

  Kelli: “That sounds great. Thank you.”

  ***

  This exchange between Mark and Kelli is pretty straightforward, not requiring much beyond basic listening and validation. Notice how Mark asks a couple questions to encourage his wife to open up, then responds with a simple validating statement. From there, his empathy and love for his wife leads him to offer some relief from the stressful demands of the day as they both wind down for the evening.

  RWS #6: Being Accused of Poor Service

  Catherine is a receptionist at a service desk for a car dealership. A customer approaches her, angry at the fact that he’s been waiting far longer than he expected and his car has still not been fixed.

  Customer: “This is ridiculous. I’ve been waiting here for nearly two hours now—way longer than the thirty minutes you promised—and you guys still haven’t fixed my car! What the hell is going on?”

  Catherine: “I’m sorry, sir, I know this is frustrating. It has taken far longer than we told you. I am trying to get ahold of the mechanics to get more information for you on what’s going on.” (V)

  Customer: “This is the worst service I’ve ever had. This is a joke.”

  Catherine: “I hear you. I’d be just as frustrated. I’m sure this has cut into other plans you’ve had or stopped you from getting to places you needed to be. If it would help, I can arrange for our shuttle service to take you wherever you need to go and pick you up when your car is ready, free of charge. I will also give you a call as soon as I get more information.” (V)

  Customer: “No, I already missed my meetings. I want to talk to one of the mechanics.”

  Catherine: “Absolutely. Someone will be right out to speak with you. Again, I do apologize. We do our best to give accurate estimates but obviously messed up this time around. We will do what we can to make it right.”

  ***

  Dealing with angry customers is never a fun situation.
In this example, Catherine does a nice job of validating the customer’s frustration and doing what she can to make amends for the incorrect time estimate.

  While she isn’t able to get his car fixed any quicker, she is able to calm him down. She develops empathy for the man, realizing that he may now be late to a meeting, unable to run other errands, etc., which ultimately leads to more genuine and powerful validation.

  Had Catherine become defensive, the situation would likely have escalated. Unfortunately, I see situations like this far too often. They go a little something like this:

  Catherine: “I’m sorry, but that’s just what I’ve been told. They’re working as quickly as they can.”

  Customer: “This is ridiculous. You told me it would take thirty minutes!”

  Catherine: “I know, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. Please continue to be patient and I’ll let you know as soon as I hear back.”

  Customer: “Be patient?! I’ve been patient for nearly two hours!”

  Catherine: “Sir, calm down. I’ll go talk to them and see if there’s anything more they can do.”

  Customer: “Calm down? You’re not the one whose been waiting for brake pad replacements for two hours!”

  And so on. Can you spot Catherine’s invalidating comments? They’re everywhere. While she certainly means well, her efforts only serve to aggravate the situation. A simple shift into understanding and validating can make a night-and-day difference.

  RWS #7: Comforting a Young Child

  Caden is four years old and is throwing a tantrum after realizing his mother has left for an evening out with her friends. Jim, his father, tries to comfort him.

  Caden: “Where’s mommy?!”

  Jim: “She’s gone out for a bit to play with her friends.”

  Caden: “I want to go!”

  Jim: “Sorry, Caden. We can’t go with mommy tonight. I’m here though; we can go play with your toys downstairs!”

  Caden: “NO, daddy, I want mommy!”

  Jim: “I know, Caden. It’s sad when she leaves, isn’t it?” (L, V)

  Caden: (folding his arms and forcing a pouty face) “Yeah . . .”

  Jim: “I miss her too. She’s so kind and loving and is so great at reading stories, isn’t she?” (V, L)

  Caden: (still sniffling a little, but notably calmer) “Yeah.”

  Jim: “When she comes back, she promised to come tuck you in and read you a story. How does that sound?”

  Caden: “Good.”

  Jim: “That will be fun. While we wait, we can make macaroni and cheese. Do you want to do that?”

  Caden: “Okay . . .”

  ***

  In the example above, Jim first tries to deflect or ignore Caden’s visible disappointment by reminding him that he is still around. This quickly escalates Caden’s emotions, leading to a more emphatic, “NO, daddy, I want mommy!”

  As adults, we often try reasoning with young children when they’re behaving irrationally. We might be thinking, “Come on, kid—she’ll only be gone for two hours!” Yet, as any parent (or anyone who has babysat young children) can attest, these types of responses rarely help. Emotions are strong, unruly creatures, and to young children who haven’t yet learned what they are and how to handle them, they can be quite frightening.

  Once Jim recognizes that Caden needs validation, he shifts gears. As he validates Caden’s sadness he is able to help him calm down. As Caden realizes that his dad understands what he’s feeling and isn’t judging him for it, he lowers his stubborn four-year-old walls and is able to accept the fact that his mom will be back later that evening.

  FINAL THOUGHTS

  “If you want to make a difference in someone’s life, you don’t need to be gorgeous, rich, famous, brilliant, or perfect. You just have to care.”

  – Karen Salmansohn

  At this point, you should have a solid understanding of validation—what it is, why it’s valuable, and how to offer it. We’ve discussed the whats and whys, walked through the Four-Step Method, and explored a handful of real-world examples to see the method in action. In this final chapter, we’ll discuss a few final tips and recommendations for getting the most out of this powerful skill.

  What To Do When You Need Validation

  With your increased understanding of validation, you are now much more likely to recognize when you yourself are seeking it. In these situations, it’s often best to just ask for it directly.

  I hit a point a few months ago where the stresses of work and life were weighing heavily on me. I decided to take a day off to catch up on things, take some me time, and get centered again.

  After running a few errands, I stopped by a new barbershop, which my brother had told me about. The prices were more than double what I was used to spending on a haircut, but I figured it was worth trying something new.

  After explaining to the barber what I was looking for, he quickly proceeded to do nothing of the sort. I watched a much larger chunk of my hair fall to the floor than I expected, and my heart sunk. You can’t exactly uncut hair, so I reluctantly decided that my best option at that point was to let him finish and hope for the best.

  As he wrapped up and spun me around to face the mirror, his face beamed with pride. I, on the other hand, was less than enthused. It wasn’t necessarily a bad haircut, but it was certainly not what I had asked for and no longer allowed me to style it in the way that I liked.

  I left the barbershop feeling very self-conscious. My mind shot ahead to the date I had that night, to what my coworkers would say the next day at work, and to whether or not there was something I could do to fix it.

  After sinking further into shame about the fact that I was letting something as insignificant as a haircut completely ruin my day, I tried to bury it. “It’s not a big deal,” I said to myself. “Most people won’t even notice.” But then I would catch my reflection in the rearview mirror and my real thoughts would resurface: “Ugh, this does not look good.” At this point I realized that I needed validation around my frustration and fear if I was going to let it go anytime soon.

  I called a mentor of mine and told him I needed some validation and help getting out of my head. I explained the situation and how I felt stupid for letting it ruin my day.

  “That’s so frustrating, isn’t it?” he said. “It’s hard enough that you don’t like it, but then you’ll go to work tomorrow and people will be like, ‘Whoa, what happened to your hair?’”

  Those two comments—particularly the second one—immediately took a huge chunk out of my fear. As we talked, he never once tried to disregard my feelings. He never said anything like “I’m sure it’s not that bad” or “People honestly won’t even notice.”

  He told me that he too used to get self-conscious about his hair (“used to” because he’s now bald) and that he could relate. After several genuine, validating remarks, I felt world’s better and asked him for advice on how to get out of my head and move on. Sure enough, after just a few minutes of talking, I was able to move on with my day and let go of the embarrassment and fear I’d had around what others might think.

  When you need validation, ask for it specifically. It’s obviously best to talk with someone who already knows how to validate, but if the person you talk to doesn’t, you can still point them in the right direction. For example, you might say:

  “Hey I’m feeling stressed right now and need some validation. Can I vent for a minute? I don’t want feedback or any suggestions for fixing it. I’d just like you to hear me out and help me not feel crazy.”

  I had an opportunity to practice this just the other day when I started venting to a couple people in my family. They began to give advice and counsel and I found myself becoming irritated and defensive. I had literally just asked for their thoughts on the matter, then immediately went on the defensive against everything they were saying. It took me a few minutes to snap out of my own drama, but as I got curious about my defensiveness, I realized that I really just neede
d validation. I had already found a solution to the problem; I just wanted someone to appreciate the difficulty of the situation. I shared that with my family and they immediately stopped with the advice. Sure enough, with a little validation, I was able to let it go and felt significantly better.

  Learn to Validate Yourself

  In addition to seeking validation from others, it’s important to learn to validate yourself. We are often our own worst critics, judging ourselves in ways we never would another individual. Practicing self-compassion and learning to validate ourselves is a critical part of developing strong emotional health and happiness.

  Like with validating others, self-validation can be used for both positive and negative experiences. This means you’re allowed to feel pride and excitement when you do something well, and sadness or regret when things don’t turn out the way you had hoped.

  More often than not, we invalidate our emotions in an effort to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as fear, anger, or sadness. In the case of my bad haircut, I kept telling myself things like “it’s not that big of a deal,” “it’ll grow back,” or “no one will even notice.”

  You will recognize by now that these are invalidating statements and rarely help the situation. The “just get over it” or “don’t get too excited” type responses weigh on us just as much as they would anyone else, yet are often difficult to catch in our own internal dialogue. Instead of dismissing or judging your own emotions, practice validating yourself in the same way you would a close friend. For example, you might say to yourself: