I Hear You Page 10

  “That’s some quality work right there! I nailed it.”

  “You know what? It makes perfect sense that I’m frustrated. I put a lot of time and effort into cooking this meal with the expectation that my husband and I could enjoy a nice evening together.”

  “I actually have a lot on my plate right now—it makes total sense that I’m overwhelmed. I think anybody in my situation would feel the same way. It’s probably worth taking a step back and slowing down.”

  Ignoring, dismissing, or suppressing your emotions doesn’t get rid of them; it buries them. It tucks them away to fester and arise again at a later time. When you recognize and validate your emotions instead, you strip away the judgment—the “I’m bad,” “this is wrong,” or “I shouldn’t” responses—and allow your experiences to flow through you. It helps you quell the inner critic and live a more present and enjoyable life.

  Watch Your Expectations

  As you begin to see firsthand the power validation has to put people at ease, help them out of a dark place, or compound their excitement and energy, you’ll want to validate everyone you talk to. (And, honestly, there’s no reason not to!)

  Yet, as powerful as validation is, there will still be times when it doesn’t “work.” Even if you follow all the steps and genuinely want to connect with someone, they may choose not to be receptive. You can always validate someone, but you can’t always guarantee that they’ll accept your validation.

  Several years ago, a friend of mine was chatting with one of his classmates. She was noticeably frustrated and began complaining about several problems she was facing. My friend listened, validated, and held off from giving advice while she talked through it. She vented for several minutes as he listened, empathized, and validated. Now, expecting to see relief in her eyes and a smile return to her face, my friend was surprised to hear her go right back to the beginning and start complaining all over again.

  “It wasn’t working!” he later told me. It didn’t seem to matter what he said or how much he listened; she was deep in her own drama and refused to let it go. Having expected to “make everything better,” my friend left feeling confused and down on himself. “I don’t get it,” he said to me, the frustration audible in his voice. “What did I do wrong?”

  As he walked me through their conversation, I couldn’t identify anything he’d done “wrong.” While other factors could have been at play, it seemed that his friend simply wasn’t in a place to accept the validation.

  When I was in the early stages of writing this book, I met up with my family for dinner at a local restaurant. My father was visibly stressed from work, and I could see him fighting to keep his attention on the present moment. I asked him how his day had gone. “Okay,” he replied. “Just okay?” I asked, inviting him to elaborate. “Yeah,” came the response. “I spent far more time on a project today than I would have liked to.”

  I don’t like seeing my father stressed and I very much wanted to try to help him feel better. We were in a loud, busy restaurant, however, and I could tell he wasn’t in the mood to talk about it. He was notably and understandably burned out from a long day, and I decided to just let it be.

  Whether the setting simply isn’t right or the other person isn’t willing to let go of their drama, don’t get down on yourself when validating doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped. There will always be other opportunities and trying to “force-validate” someone may only add to their frustration.

  Final Thoughts: Summary

  Ask for validation when you need it. When you need validation, ask for it specifically rather than hoping others figure it out. If the person you’re talking with isn’t familiar with validation, fill them in on the basics and be specific about what you are and aren’t looking for.

  Learn to validate yourself. Resist the temptation to minimize or ignore your own emotions and focus instead on acknowledging and accepting them. Practicing self-compassion and learning to validate yourself is a critical part of developing strong emotional health and happiness.

  Watch your expectations. Even if you follow all the steps and genuinely want to connect with someone, they may choose to not be receptive. You can always validate someone, but you can’t always guarantee that they’ll accept it or react in the way you’d hoped they would.

  AFTERWORD

  I hope you’ve found this book interesting, insightful, and helpful. Over the course of writing it, I’ve used the Four-Step Method in literally thousands of conversations. I’ve paid close attention to each of these, taking note of how they played out, then revisiting and refining the principles and techniques to ensure they were as practical, applicable, and effective as possible. Yet with that said, every person and situation is different, and mastery of the skill can only come from trial and error. I’ve been working on developing this skill for years now and still catch myself invalidating, offering unsolicited advice, and the like. When you catch yourself doing these things, don’t sweat it. Just notice how it plays out. Ask yourself how you could have handled the situation differently and work on catching yourself sooner the next time.

  If validating feels forced or awkward, experiment with different approaches, phrases, etc. until you find something that feels right to you. You can (and ought to) tailor the Four-Step Method to fit your own personality and interactions. With practice, you’ll figure out how to effortlessly apply the steps in a natural, genuine way.

  As you try it out, I would love to hear from you. Which principles have had the biggest impact? What successes have you seen? What advice would you give to others who are looking to improve their listening and validating skills? Shoot me an email at michael@ihearyoubook.com and let me know.

  Finally, if these principles have made a positive impact in your life, please consider leaving a review on Amazon.com and/or passing a copy of the book along to a friend or family member. As powerful as these principles are, I am still amazed at how few people know about them. When you and others in your circle of influence know how to validate, everyone benefits. You are better able to show appreciation and support to those you love, and they, in turn, are able to offer the same.

  It is my sincere hope that these principles and practices benefit your life as much as they have mine. Few experiences are more fulfilling than feeling truly, deeply, and sincerely connected to another human being. Few connections are more joyous than genuinely sharing in another person’s excitement and good fortune. And few conversations are more rewarding than realizing you were there for someone during a time of need.

  Remember: everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. Remember that we are all looking for love, appreciation, and connection. And remember that, regardless of age, gender, background, or ethnicity, being listened to—and heard—is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.

  ***

  ENDNOTES

  1 Gottman, John. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Reprint Ed., Harmony, 2002.

  2 Shenk, Chad E., and Alan E. Fruzzetti. “The Impact of Validating and Invalidating Responses on Emotional Reactivity.” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 30, No. 2, 2011, pp. 163-183.

  3 Gable, Shelly L., et all. “What Do You Do When Things Go Right? The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 87, No. 2, 2004, pp. 228-245.

  4 “RSA Replay - The Power of Vulnerability.” YouTube, uploaded by The RSA, July 4, 2013. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMzBv35HbLk

  5 Billikopf, Gregorio. “Empathic Listening: Listening First Aid.” Meditate.com, October, 2005. https://www.mediate.com/articles/encinaG3.cfm

  6 Cabane, Olivia Fox. The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. 2/24/13 ed., Portfolio, 2013.

  7 Misra, Shalini et all. “The iPhone Effect: The Quality of In-Person Social Interactions in the Presence of Mobile Devices.
” EDRA, Vol. 48, Issue 2, 2014, pp. 275-298.

  8 Mehrabian, Albert, and Morton Weiner. “Decoding of Inconsistent Communications.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 6, Issue 1, 1967, pp. 109-114; Mehrabian, Albert, and Ferris, S.R. “Inference of Attitudes from Nonverbal Communication in Two Channels.” Journal of Consulting Psychology, Vol. 31, Issue 3, 1967, pp. 48-258.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Michael S. Sorensen is a marketing executive by day and an avid reader, researcher, and personal development junkie by night. Obsessed with finding the best principles and practices for living a rich, fulfilling, and connected life, he seeks out and experiments with new and interesting ideas to discover what actually works. Having benefited from years of mentoring from coaches, counselors, and executives (and the wisdom of countless self-help books), he’s set out to share his explorations, insights, and discoveries with others.

 

 

  Michael S Sorensen, I Hear You

 

 

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