I Hear You Read online

  This type of feedback can be softened by leading with “I” as discussed above. Saying “I feel like you always do this” is no longer accusatory. You’re simply sharing your perception, which may or may not be accurate.

  If you choose not to make this an “I” statement, replace the absolute term with a non-absolute. The phrase “you always do this” can become “you do this often.” The statement “you never clean up after yourself” can become “you rarely clean up after yourself.” Notice again how these simple changes immediately soften the harsh edges of the feedback.

  If you remove the absolute term and make your comment an “I” statement, the feedback becomes even easier to accept: “I’ve noticed that you do this often” (more direct—your observation) or “I feel like you do this often” (less direct—your feeling).

  Acknowledge When You Slip

  From time to time, you will jump to giving advice without asking permission to do so. It happens. Now that you are aware of the importance of asking permission, chances are good that you’ll catch yourself in the act. When you do, it can be beneficial, even validating, to acknowledge it. For example, you might finish your sentence and then say, “And I just realized that you didn’t ask for my opinion. My apologies.” People are so used to getting unsolicited feedback that even this simple gesture of respect can be quite disarming. Chances are also good the person will end up asking for your opinion anyway, allowing you to continue sharing with their permission.

  Step 3 Summary

  Offering feedback or advice is entirely optional. Perhaps someone has shared an exciting or proud moment, or perhaps you simply have no advice to give. Validation is healing in and of itself. It is not always necessary or appropriate to give advice.

  Avoid giving unsolicited feedback. Just because someone is sharing a difficult experience doesn’t mean they are looking for advice. Determine whether they are open to receiving feedback by either 1) asking what they are expecting from you (e.g., “How can I help?”), or 2) asking permission to give advice (e.g., “I have a few thoughts on the matter. May I share?”).

  If you do give feedback, lead with a validating statement. Even though you just offered validation in step 2, prefacing your feedback with one more validating statement will reiterate the fact that you’ve heard them and are connected with their experience.

  Use “and” instead of “but.” Doing so will help you avoid inadvertently negating your validation, comments, etc.

  Lead with “I” instead of “You.” Using “I” underscores the fact that you are sharing your perspective or opinion. It also lessens the likelihood that the recipient will become defensive.

  Avoid Absolutes. When giving difficult feedback, replace absolute terms such as “always” and “never” with softer (and often more accurate) alternatives such as “often” or “rarely.” If you do choose to use an absolute term, lead with “I think,” “I feel,” etc. instead of “you.”

  STEP 4

  VALIDATE AGAIN

  “Be generous with encouragement. It is verbal sunshine; it warms hearts, costs nothing, and enriches lives.”

  – Nicky Gumbel

  I realize that dedicating an entire step to “validating again” may seem like a stretch, but this repetition (and the order in which it happens) is important. Whether the other person has shared a positive or a negative experience, it’s good practice to wrap the conversation up with one final validating comment. Doing so reminds the other person that, despite everything that may have been said, you still hear and understand them.

  Again, if you think back to Gottman’s research, this is likely the one thing the other person was hoping to receive in the first place. Taking a moment to re-validate can go a long way in cementing the positive experience. This step is particularly valuable if you gave feedback or hard-to-hear advice in step 3.

  Re-Validate the Emotion

  By the time you’ve reached this step, you will have listened, validated, and given feedback or assurance if appropriate. At this point, any conversation around how to fix the problem (or excitement around good fortune) has played out and the conversation will begin to wind down to a natural end. Closing the conversation with step 4 often involves a simple repeat of earlier validation. This might look like any of the following:

  “Ugh, I don’t envy you. That really is a tough situation. It sounds to me like you have a good plan, though. Good luck with it!”

  “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m impressed with how you’re handling things. That really is confusing.”

  “Again, my deepest condolences. You’re going through a really hard time. Please know that I’m here for you.”

  “Wow, high school is rough! I have full confidence that you’ll work through this.”

  “Hey, congratulations again! I’m really happy for you.”

  “Well, I just have to say again, you really killed it out there. You have every right to be proud!”

  These simple comments end the conversation on an uplifting and respectful note, even in difficult situations. They are a good way of rounding out the entire validating experience.

  Validate Vulnerability

  While step 4 generally involves the simple reiteration of your earlier validation, certain situations may benefit from validating the other person’s vulnerability as well.

  When someone shares a personal experience or emotion with you, they make themselves emotionally vulnerable. They open up in a way that is often uncomfortable in the hope that you will be respectful and understanding. This vulnerability is crucial for developing strong, healthy relationships because it allows us to see past the façades and connect with people on a more authentic and personal level.

  When people share a personal struggle, express a deeply held fear, or even just admit uncertainty in some area of their lives, they show a less-than-perfect side of themselves in an effort to find support. In the workplace, people make themselves vulnerable when they raise a concern with their boss, ask to be considered for a promotion, or confront a coworker. In all these situations, people risk a whole slew of negative reactions. That is never easy.

  If someone has opened up to you, step 4 is a great time to show your gratitude and appreciation. The following comments are all examples of validating vulnerability:

  “It’s not easy to talk about such heavy things. I admire your courage in bringing it up and appreciate that you shared it with me.”

  “I really appreciate you opening up to me. It means a lot.”

  “It must have been hard for you to come to me about this, so thank you. I sincerely appreciate your openness. Know that I think the world of you.”

  “Thank you for saying something. I’m sure it was tough to bring this up, especially since you couldn’t know how I would react.”

  By validating the fact that the other person has opened up to you—and how uncomfortable doing so can be—you show them they can confide in you without fear of judgment or dismissal. This benefits both you and the other person by increasing trust and safety in the relationship.

  It is worth noting here that validating vulnerability is generally only applicable in more, well, vulnerable conversations. Saying “I really appreciate you opening up to me” after your friend tells you she just booked a two-week vacation is going to raise some eyebrows. If you’re connected with the situation, you’ll know when validating vulnerability is and isn’t applicable.

  Step 4 Summary

  Re-validate the emotion. Whether you’ve given advice in step 3 or not, work in one final bit of validation at the end of the conversation. Doing so reiterates the fact that you hear and understand the other person and ends the conversation on a positive, emotionally uplifting note.

  Validate the vulnerability. Sharing personal thoughts, experiences, or emotions can be difficult, uncomfortable, and even scary. If someone opens up to you, thank them for it and validate the fact that doing so can be quite difficult.

  PART III

  PUTTING IT A
LL

  TOGETHER

  REAL-WORLD SITUATIONS

  “The road to learning by precept is long, but by example, short and effective.”

  – Seneca

  The Four-Step Validation Method and its accompanying principles may seem like a lot to remember. The reality is, though, that in practice, you can go through them all in less than a minute. It’s also important to note that these steps are not a perfect science, nor must they all be followed in every conversation.

  In certain situations, steps 1 and 2 (Listening Empathically and Validating the Emotion) may be enough. At other times, you may go through the whole set multiple times. Every situation will be different. You’ll know what feels natural and genuine in the moment and, with practice, you’ll find that validation becomes second nature.

  In this final section, we’ll explore a variety of real-world situations (abbreviated here as RWSs for short) to see effective validation in action. Much of my understanding of validation has come through listening to and learning from the experiences of others. While nothing can replace your own personal experience, studying a wide variety of examples can go a long way.

  A Note Before We Dive In

  As we’ve discussed previously, empathy and sincerity are critical elements of effective validation. Sincerity is conveyed not so much by what we say, but by how we say it. If we make validating statements without empathy and sincerity, the connection will fall flat.

  Unfortunately, conveying empathy and sincerity in a book is difficult, if not impossible. As such, you’ll need to use a little imagination as you read the dialogue in the following examples. The language and expressions used here may not be what you would say, but try not to get too hung up on the verbiage. Instead, keep an eye out for the principles we’ve discussed and notice how they are being used—and how you might use them yourself. When it comes to your own application of the Four-Step Method, you’ll naturally default to the words and phrases that feel the most genuine and natural to you.

  To help you identify the four steps and key principles as they’re being used, each RWS will include the notations on the following page.

  FOUR-STEP METHOD NOTATIONS

  FOR REAL-WORLD SITUATIONS

  L = Listening

  MV = Micro Validation

  V = Validation

  AP = Asking Permission to Give Feedback

  GF = Giving Feedback

  VA = Validating Again

  VV = Validating Vulnerability

  RWS #1: Issues with a Coworker

  Trevor is complaining to Jacob about another coworker. In this case, Jacob knows the full story and doesn’t agree with how Trevor is perceiving the situation.

  Trevor: “Man, I can’t stand Steven. He just sucks up to Lisa [his manager] and does whatever it takes to get to the top. I’ve been here twice as long as he has. I should have gotten that promotion, not him.”

  Jacob: “Ah, I’m sorry, Trevor. That would be really frustrating.” (L, V)

  Trevor: “I don’t get it. I’ve been here far longer than he has, and I have way more experience!”

  Jacob: “Yeah, that’s tough. Have you asked Lisa why they decided to promote him instead of you?” (MV, L)

  Trevor: “No, but I’m sure she’ll just say something like, ‘He was more qualified for the position’ or some other vague answer like that.”

  Jacob: “Really? You don’t think she’ll give you honest feedback?” (L)

  Trevor: “I doubt it. I don’t think she likes me much anyway.”

  Jacob: “Really? That’s frustrating. Do you want my opinion?” (MV, AP)

  Trevor: “Sure.”

  Jacob: “First off, I have to say, I would certainly be frustrated, confused, and probably pretty demoralized to have worked here as long as you have and be passed up for a promotion. That’s tough. I also have to say, I have been very impressed with Steven’s work. He’s made a significant impact since starting here, opened over 200 accounts, and is a pleasure to work with.” (V, GF)

  Trevor: “I work just as hard as he does, if not harder!”

  Jacob: “You certainly work hard—no question about that. It’s hard to know why he got it instead of you without asking Lisa.” (MV)

  Trevor: “I’ll ask her in my next meeting.”

  Jacob: “Sounds good. Hey, I’m headed into a meeting in a few minutes so I’m going to head back. Good luck with that.”

  Trevor: “Thanks.”

  ***

  Situations like these are difficult when you don’t agree with how the other person is seeing things. In Jacob’s case, he likes Steven and believes he is deserving of the promotion. However, he also wants to preserve his relationship with Trevor. In truth, it probably isn’t necessary for Jacob to share his opinion on the matter; it would likely be easier for him to simply listen, validate, and leave it at that. But his doing so here provides a useful example of how sharing a diverging opinion might be received, and how to handle it.

  Notice how Jacob first asks a few questions to narrow down why Trevor doesn’t like Steven. This helps him better understand the situation and where Trevor’s perceptions are coming from, while also giving him something concrete to validate.

  Next, he’s careful to not immediately challenge Trevor’s assumptions and instead chooses to validate the frustration. After acknowledging the difficulty of Trevor’s circumstance, he asks permission to share his opinion.

  Jacob validates Trevor again, then shares his own perspective. Notice how he avoids using “but” in his feedback. Had he said, “That’s tough, but I’ve been very impressed with Steven’s work,” he would have negated the validating statement altogether and Trevor would have been more likely to get defensive.

  Trevor does get defensive when he says, “I work just as hard,” so notice again how Jacob goes back to validating and leaves it at that. In this instance (as Jacob is not Trevor’s manager) it was probably wise to leave it there.

  If Jacob were his manager, he would have the responsibility to give Trevor constructive feedback. In that case, he might choose to validate the fact that Trevor does work hard, and then help him understand that he’s not working on the most important tasks, isn’t delivering the quality expected, etc.

  RWS #2: High School Drama

  Sydney is a sixteen-year-old high school student complaining to her mom, Karen, about high school drama.

  Sydney: “Ugh! I freakin’ hate high school.”

  Karen: “What’s going on?” (L)

  Sydney: “I just found out that Hillary has been talking behind my back to Rachel and everyone else about me and telling them that I always steal all the guys she’s interested in! And now I feel like they all hate me and they don’t invite me to anything anymore.”

  Karen: “What? Why would she do that?” (MV, L)

  Sydney: “I don’t know! She’s obviously interested in Zach, but Zach asked me out to the game this weekend. I didn’t even try to get him. I wasn’t even flirting with him!”

  Karen: “Ah, so you think she’s jealous?” (L)

  Sydney: “Yeah! She totally is.”

  Karen: “And that’s got to be frustrating to feel like all your friends are siding with her, without even giving you a chance to explain.” (V)

  Sydney: “Yeah, seriously.”

  Karen: “What are you going to do?” (L)

  Sydney: “I don’t know . . . I tried talking to Steph about it and she just looked at me like, oh right, that’s nice. She didn’t even listen.”

  Karen: “Ugh, that’s rough. She didn’t even listen?” (V, L)

  Sydney: “No!”

  Karen: “Wow, that is frustrating.” (V)

  (Karen pauses for a few moments to see if Sydney wants to share more.)

  Karen: “I actually have a few ideas on how you could handle this. Would you like my opinion?” (AP)

  Sydney: “Sure.”

  (Karen gives her feedback.)

  Karen: “I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this
right now; the social scene in high school can be rough. If you ever want to talk more about it, or just vent, I’m all ears.” (VA)

  Sydney: “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

  ***

  In Karen’s brief exchange with her daughter, she offers a nice mix of listening and validation. Notice how she paused for a few moments before asking permission to give feedback. While every situation is unique, pausing like this helps ensure you don’t jump in with feedback too quickly. Even if you ask permission to share, you want to be sure you’ve given the other person a chance to get everything off their chest.

  After you validate and pause for a moment, the other person will likely respond in one of two ways:

  Soak up the validation and continue sharing (e.g. “EXACTLY! And then she said . . .”)