I Hear You Read online

  Offer Micro Validation

  Micro validation is a short comment or response that affirms the validity of the other person’s emotions, opinions, etc. These quick, simple comments let the other person know that you are following what they’re saying, that you’re not judging them, and that they’re safe to continue sharing. Like matching energy, most people do this automatically.

  Micro validation looks like the following:

  “Really??”

  “Uh, yeah, I’d be angry too!”

  “Wow, that must be so frustrating.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “That’s so exciting!”

  “No way.”

  “I can see that.”

  “Wow, that must have hurt.”

  “I can see how that would be confusing.”

  “Congratulations! That must feel amazing!”

  The goal here is to keep the comments short so they don’t feel like an attempt to interrupt or take over the conversation.

  As insignificant as these comments may seem, they play a major role in keeping a conversation moving. Imagine talking to someone who didn’t react at all to what you were saying. It wouldn’t be much different than talking to a brick wall, and you certainly wouldn’t be talking for long.

  Micro validation lets the other person know you’re paying attention and encourages them to continue sharing. It also fosters a sense of safety and trust. They’re opening up to you on some level (whether they’re relating a positive or negative experience), and micro validation helps them feel safe in doing so.

  Don’t Try to Fix It

  If someone is venting or sharing a negative experience, do not jump in with advice unless they ask for it. Similarly, resist the urge to point out silver linings or how the situation could be worse. This is—by far—the most common mistake people make. As we discussed early on, statements such as the following—no matter how well intentioned—invalidate the other person’s experience:

  “That’s not true—you look great!”

  “Here’s what you need to do . . .”

  “Don’t worry about what they think.”

  “Hey, just let it go! It’s not worth letting it ruin your day.”

  “It will all work out in the end.”

  “It could be worse.”

  “Don’t worry. You’ll meet the right person some day.”

  Giving unsolicited advice or assurance—especially before you validate the other person’s emotions—trivializes their experience. It suggests that 1) you don’t think they should feel the way they do, and 2) you know how to resolve the issue better than they do. Even if you do know how to resolve it, now is not the time to say so. While it may be true that it’s not worth getting all bent out of shape over what’s happened, the fact is that the other person is bent out of shape over it and they need someone to understand why.

  This is far easier said than done, but learning to hold off on giving advice will make a tremendous difference in the amount of trust and safety you build in your relationships. This is not to say there’s no place for feedback or advice in a conversation; this is simply not the best time. You will have an opportunity to offer advice, feedback, and/or assurance in step 3, and waiting until then will increase your chances of being heard.

  Step 1 Summary

  Give your full attention. If you’re distracted, let the other person know and ask to talk at a later time. When you are available to talk, close your laptop, turn off the TV, and keep your attention on the conversation at hand.

  Invite them to open up. If you suspect someone wants to talk about something but isn’t comfortable initiating the conversation, try asking a simple question like, “You seem upset. What’s up?”

  Be observant. As much as 70 percent of our communication is nonverbal. Pay close attention to the other person’s tone of voice and body language to better understand them.

  Match their energy. If the other person is happy or excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If they are discouraged or sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner.

  Offer micro validation. Offer short comments such as “no way!”, “seriously?”, or “I’d feel that way too” to help the other person feel comfortable sharing. This lets them know you that you are listening, withholding judgment, and seeing things from their perspective.

  Don’t try to fix it. Refrain from offering advice, feedback, or assurance until step 3. Avoid comments such as “at least . . . ”, “you should . . . ”, or “that’s not true.”

  STEP 2

  VALIDATE THE EMOTION

  “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.”

  – Peter Drucker

  Once there’s a pause in conversation or the other person is done sharing, move onto step 2 by offering more direct validation. You will remember from chapter 2 that validating responses acknowledge or give worth to the other person’s comments or emotions by:

  Identifying a specific emotion

  Offering justification for feeling that emotion

  If you say, “I get that you’re worried,” you’re offering simple validation by showing the other person that you are listening and understand. If you then show the other person that you understand why they are feeling worried, the effect of that validation multiplies. For example: “I get that you’re worried. It would be tough not to be given the situation.”

  Consider the following additional examples:

  “Seriously, I’m so happy for you! You put a ton of work into that presentation. It must feel amazing that it went so well!”

  “You have every right to be frustrated. I’d go crazy if I spent four hours on something only to find out that I was headed the wrong direction the whole time.”

  “I get why you’re confused. Last week I told you one thing, and today I’m telling you something that seems to be entirely different.”

  “I get why that would hurt. There you are, at the happiest moment of your life, and your friend didn’t show up to support you. It probably felt like he didn’t even care.”

  Key Principles: Validating Their Emotion

  Still Don’t Try to Fix It

  Yes, this is a repeat principle from step 1. It still applies. I’m including it again because jumping straight to advice or assurance remains the number one temptation for, well, just about everyone.

  You Don’t Have to Agree to Validate

  We’ve talked about this before, but remember that you do not need to agree with the other person to validate them. If you feel like they aren’t seeing things correctly, don’t pretend to agree—but also don’t tell them you disagree just yet. Instead, try to understand why they’re feeling what they’re feeling and validate that. Try to see things from their perspective. If you only had their side of the story, chances are good that you would react in a similar way.

  For example, say that a coworker complains to you about being passed up for a promotion.

  “I don’t get it,” he says, “I deserve that promotion far more than Drew! I’ve been here nearly twice as long!”

  If you’re anything like me, your first reaction will be to immediate challenge that comment. Does he really think he deserves a promotion simply because he’s been working for the company longer? Oh, the entitlement! But let’s pause for a second and put ourselves in his shoes.

  How would you feel in this situation? Frustrated? Confused? Angry? Embarrassed? Maybe all of the above? It would be confusing and disheartening to think that you were next in line, and then see a newer team member get promoted before you. So even though you may not think this guy deserves that promotion, you can at least understand why he would feel like he does. In this step, it’s important to hold back your judgment and opinion and focus solely on validating. Doing so in this situation will 1) reduce the likelihood that you get into an argument, and 2) improve your coworker’s willingness to listen when you do share your perspective in step 3.

 
You could validate your coworker, without suggesting that he deserves the promotion, by saying something like, “I get why you’re upset. You’ve been here longer than anyone! It’d be tough to see someone else get that promotion.”

  Not Sure What They’re Feeling? Ask.

  If you’re having a difficult time figuring out what the other person is feeling (perhaps they’re in the habit of hiding or downplaying their emotions), just ask. This takes a bit of finesse so as to not sound like a psychiatrist (e.g., “how do you feel about that?”), but the following two techniques can help you identify someone’s emotions without sounding like you’re trying to psychoanalyze them.

  Option 1: The “Keep it Casual” Approach

  In this approach, ask the person what they’re feeling directly, but in a casual, non-intimidating way. This requires only minor tweaks to avoid sounding like a therapist:

  “So, how are you feeling about all this?”

  “Ugh. How’d that make you feel?”

  Simple yet effective.

  Option 2: The “Guessing/Asking” Approach

  In this less direct approach, throw out a few emotions you think they may be feeling in question form:

  “So, are you feeling frustrated? Confused? Angry?”

  “So, you must be excited? Nervous? A mix of both?”

  This technique has two benefits. First, it shows the other person that you’re listening and trying to connect with them. Second, it helps them identify their emotions, which ultimately gives you something to validate. The Guessing/Asking approach tends to play out in a way that’s similar to one of the following:

  You: “So, are you feeling frustrated? Confused? Angry?”

  Friend: “Yeah, I’m frustrated because it feels like no matter what I say, they don’t take me seriously.”

  You: “I don't blame you. That would drive me crazy.”

  If your guesses about what the person is feeling aren’t accurate, they will likely correct you and provide clarification:

  You: “So, are you feeling frustrated? Confused? Angry?”

  Friend: “No, I actually don’t care about it at all to be honest. I guess I just feel betrayed since she promised me she wouldn’t do that.”

  You: “That makes a lot of sense. I’d feel the same way.”

  If You Can Relate, Let Them Know

  If you can relate to what the other person is sharing with you, step 2 is a good time to consider letting them know. Done tactfully, this can strengthen your validation and foster greater trust and connection.

  A word of caution: If someone is sharing a difficult emotion or experience, avoid the phrase, “I know exactly how you feel,” even if you think you do. Instead, consider phrases such as, “I’ve felt similar when . . .” or “I can relate to that feeling.”

  Claiming to know “exactly” how someone feels nearly always puts the other person on defense. If you don’t believe me, pay attention to your reaction the next time someone says it to you. Even with the best of intentions, it is a surprisingly invalidating thing to hear.

  In truth, none of us know exactly how another person is feeling. Our thoughts and emotions are shaped by millions of life experiences, to the point where it’s virtually impossible for any two people to have the exact same thoughts or reactions. If you can relate, simply avoid using “exactly” and you’ll be in a good spot. It’s a small change, but when emotions are running high, the devil is in the details.

  Several years ago, a friend came to me racked with emotion after a painful breakup. The hurt and frustration he expressed sounded oh-so-familiar as I reflected back on a recent breakup of my own. Realizing I could relate to much of what he was saying, I continued listening until he was done sharing, then responded with the following:

  “I’m sorry. That’s really tough. I can actually relate. That sounds a lot like how I felt when Sarah and I broke up. Every time I ran into her I felt a pit in my stomach and wanted more than anything to get back together. The next several weekends sucked. It’s tough feeling like you’re back at square one again, right?"

  Sharing my own experience was validating because the emotions I had experienced were very similar to what my friend was feeling. But notice how I quickly relayed my experience and then turned the focus back to my friend by asking him a question. This is important when sharing you own experience. Had I just ended it with “the next several weekends sucked,” the focus would have been left on me, making it harder for him to continue sharing.

  When you use a personal experience to validate, keep it brief, focus on the emotions and experiences that are most relatable, and then return the focus to the other person.

  If You Can’t Relate, Let Them Know

  While having had a similar experience can certainly help you relate to and feel empathy for another person, it’s not necessary. Believe it or not, acknowledging the fact that you can’t relate can be one of the most validating things you can say. Why? Because it shows respect and appreciation for the other person and their situation. It’s the opposite of “I know exactly how you feel” and it’s surprisingly validating.

  To validate in this way, acknowledge the emotions the other person has expressed and think about what you might feel in the same situation.

  For example, while you may never have had to deal with the death of one of your own children, you can almost surely imagine, at least to some extent, the intensely heavy feelings of despair, longing, regret, anger, and fear that would accompany such a loss. You can offer validation and show respect with comments such as:

  “I honestly don’t know what to say. I can only imagine how painful that must be.”

  “Oh my gosh. I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now.”

  This is how I approached the situation I shared in the introduction. The woman I was out with was going through a difficult time with her parents’ divorce—something I did not have personal experience with. Instead of pretending to know what she was going through, I acknowledged the fact that I didn’t. When she saw that I responded with validation rather than advice, she quickly lowered her walls and we were able to connect on a much deeper level.

  The power of this kind of validation is incredible. Not only does it validate the other person’s emotions, it also demonstrates respect by not trivializing their experience. Admitting that we don’t know exactly how another person feels helps them feel safe in confiding in us. They come to realize that they can be vulnerable with us without facing judgment or pressure to fix the problem.

  Tell the Truth

  From time to time, friends and family will come to us feeling embarrassed, regretful, frustrated, etc. because they’ve made a mistake, underperformed, or are simply in a tough spot. In these situations, it can be tempting to sugarcoat the truth to avoid adding to their pain. This often results in our telling the other person, “You did great!” when they didn’t; “I think it turned out well,” when we don’t; or “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” when we know he does.

  The problem with beating around the bush or sugarcoating the truth is that the other person likely knows the truth and can tell when we’re not being honest. Again, they’ve come to us because they’re looking for validation, not for help burying their uncomfortable emotions.

  When you’re faced with such a situation, acknowledge the truth and the difficulty of the situation. You can be tactful about it, but you don’t have to lie. Consider the following example of Trent, a seventeen-year-old high school student who faced a difficult situation during his state championship soccer game.

  Trent is an excellent player, often scoring multiple points in a game. In this particular game, however, he let a few opposing players get inside his head. On his first goal attempt of the game, Trent slipped right before taking the shot and completely missed the ball. The opposing team heckled, jeered, and taunted him, which got to him after a while. Trent took shot after shot at the goal but missed every time. He turned the ball over
to the opposing team far more often than usual. His coach took him out for a time to help him regain his composure, but as he sat on the bench, the negativity and frustration over his poor performance weighed heavier and heavier on his mind. His team lost the game and Trent walked away feeling like it was entirely his fault.

  As he approached his dad at the sideline, he looked at the ground and shook his head. “I just lost the freakin’ championship for my team.”

  How would you respond? If you’re like most people, you’d immediately fire back with a compassionate, “No you didn’t! You did a great job!”

  There are two problems here, though. First, this is an invalidating statement. Did you catch it? Immediately responding with “no you didn’t” discounts the feelings Trent just expressed rather than allowing him space to feel them.

  Second, Trent didn’t do a great job—and he knows it. As a result, he’ll likely dismiss altogether any suggestion to the contrary, no matter how well-meaning. Is he solely responsible for losing that game? No. Did he play hard? Absolutely. But did he play well? Not particularly, and that’s okay. He’s human. We all have off days. If we try to dismiss or change his emotions, however, we reinforce the idea that it’s not okay to make mistakes and feel frustrated.